Alone (& really should be in bed)

So, hubby departed this morning, to the US for the week – and you’d really think that by now I’d be okay with it – but I’m not.  I turn into a gibbering wreck, as if the idea of 5 nights without him is just so unfeasible… Parenting solo just feels like it will be so much harder.

The reality is that it’s not that much harder at all, I just don’t have anyone to share the gripes with – or anyone to talk to at the end of the day. A park run, a bookshop visit, a family dinner out – time passes with no issues, and everyone is still alive at the end of the day – the only real sign of success.

And so then, when I know I will get tired as I chase around at both ends of the day, with Breakfast Club drop off, and Nursery drop off, and car parking, and trains, and meetings, and then the reverse – what do I do? Do I rest up and go to bed early?

No, I clear my inbox, I start the Birthday and Christmas present lists, I look for holiday cottages, I do laundry, I clean shoes, pack bags… and get to 2240 and wonder what on earth I’m still doing sat downstairs at the computer.

So – I’m going to log off, go clean the day off my face, climb into the world’s best bed, write my one sentence journal, read some pages – and then miss the lump that is normally doing sudoku in the other side of the bed.

When I’ve made it through tomorrow, I’ll have reminded myself that it can all be done again… But for now, there is a small gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel like it all might just be a bit too much…

A coffee shop hipster (not)

How many months has it taken me to find the time to do this? Two many… But now, for today – it’s official. I am a coffee shop hipster (or not…)

But today was my first proper, on my own, day off – and I was determined to make myself blog… and I have.

I now work nine out of ten days – and so have every other Friday off – to myself.  Up until now, since my return to work in August, hubby was off as well – so the time was shared – with him, and the kids. But now, he’s back at work as well, the oldest is in school, and the younger two are at nursery. And I am claiming this day as my own.

Yes, I could have taken the kids out of nursery, but you know what, this time is for me.  The guilt does occasionally weigh heavy here (does this make me a bad parent?) but then i do something that makes me smile (have a coffee with a couple of the mums I made friends with at the school gates while on maternity, who I rarely get to see now) and I breathe in and I realise that this is part of making me a better parent. I am quite introverted really, and so I crave time on my own – and what with work, the kids, the hubby, the very small group of great friends, it can feel like I never have any headspace for myself.

So today, after the coffee (which was lovely) and the blood test (which meant I didn’t need to take time out of a working day) I decided that I would grab the laptop, and my notebooks and head to the loveliest of coffee shops near home – to just sit and actually blog. It’s me, the mac,a leather sofa, an extravagantly expensive ‘special reserve’ drip coffee, and time.

So I’ve updated the ‘what I’m reading / watching / listening to‘ pages, and then this post…

And it feels like a really special treat.

It’s been a busy time at work, with more travelling than I’m used to (and I’ve become a useless traveller – I hate it, airports are no fun at all), and pressure put on myself by myself to be the ‘perfect’ working person – as the guilt that I leave early and have this day off mounts.

But I’m starting to realise / believe that actually I’m pretty darned efficient in the nine days that I’m in the office – and for everything that anyone has asked of me, I’ve delivered.  It’s a work in progress, and I know I need to get better at caring less what other people might think.  But it’s going ok. And whilst the ‘love’ of work has yet to really return, I’ve done some good stuff, I’ve helped some people out – and that’s what makes me happiest.

I’ll grab another coffee, together with an exceptionally good brownie, and then I’ll go collect biggest Pickle from the school gates.  There will be a bike ride, some monkey bars – and then off to collect the littler pickles and head for some Friday night family tea.

I think I’m going to like these Fridays.