Hello. I’m Nicki. And I’m displaced.

So, it’s been a while since I posted here. Enjoying the ‘busy‘ that was my life. But right now, I’m displaced from Shanghai… temporarily living in Glebe, Sydney, courtesy of the Coronavirus (or should I say, the nattily renamed COVID-19) and I’m leaning in so blooming hard that, at times, I am truly amazed that I haven’t fallen over.

I’m not a threat. No-one was at risk of getting ill or passing on the virus. We didn’t ‘run’ to escape Shanghai. We were already in New Zealand when concerns started escalating. (On a rather epic and wonderful big family holiday, making the most of the early Lunar New Year break to celebrate a certain someone’s big 5-0. If you haven’t been there – go, now…It’s amazing.)

So when the office and the school extended their holiday closure, and we were unsure what exactly to do for ‘the best’… we took the decision to make the most of the opportunity to come to Sydney – to give us a little time & space to see how things panned out. 2 & 1/2 weeks later, we’re still here… and no more sure of anything than we were as we boarded our plane from Queenstown…

Grateful… for ALL the things (big & small)

Being displaced is hard going on a day by day basis. There are screaming matches and tears. There are promises that tomorrow will be ‘better’ (calmer, more organised, less organised, more fun, more productive… whatever it was that today wasn’t). But I’m not going to moan about the continual logistics that swallow my days when it is making me so very aware of how lucky I am. I am grateful…

To have choices. About anything.

To have the options we have had – which now find us here, in yet another Airbnb, with enough bedrooms and beds and wifi and Netflix and… and…

To have an unbelievably supportive office set up available to us here. With IT support so the kids can do their elearning each day. Meeting room space so I can continue to work myself… and long known, yet never actually met before, friendly faces that ask how we’re doing and invite the kids to raid the chocolate stash and join the Friday nerf gun fights…

To have friends from our school in Shanghai, here, in the city. (The real bonus of ex-pat life…) So we can go on ‘learning adventures’ to the zoo and the aquarium and the huge play area and splash park… Ticking off so many kids ‘bucket list’ items that we never would have considered possible… Enabling me to talk, process, moan, groan and laugh with a friend who is going through EXACTLY the same reality as I am right now. (The biggest concern being to ensure we’re all alive & talking at the end of a day’s e-learning. Teachers are, as I have always known, saints, magicians and gods...)

To have family here, who I last saw in 2006. Who I can now grab a drink with, or dinner, or brunch… Who can meet the kids and make them smile with their van for Dogspeed, the ‘coolest business ever’ of a pet transport service here in Sydney.

To be able to WeChat my friends from Shanghai who are now all over the place… living their version of ‘what to do for the best’ as we sit it out & wait for further instructions…

Oh, how the universe provides…

At the beginning of the year, I commited to find a way to live more in the present… less long term planning, more ‘in the moment’.

I also decided that I really wanted to embrace minimalism. I dislike ‘stuff’ (it has a tendency to stress me out) so I wanted to start paring things back to the ‘essentials’.

Well, now I laugh… (Back to that old adage of ‘Be careful what you wish for’…)

Yes. I am displaced. It is not easy, or simple. But for all of the above reasons and more, I am not, entirely, displeased.

I keep getting told how busy I am – the inference being that it’s a bad thing.

And sometimes it can be… and… mostly, right now, I feel lucky that I’m choosing busy.  My exact design of busy.

Choosing Busy

I am choosing to study – and I love it.  I really love learning.  My Wednesday mornings spent studying (group calls, reading, audios, notes) are such a joy.  Me. My (newly tidied) desk.  My view out the window.  Devouring knowledge.  What a luxury.

I choose to work at Imagination (part time, a definite choice on my part, out here) – and I enjoy the people, the conversations, the ability to provide a space for options and discussions and thoughts and … well, just a space for people to breathe.

I choose to coach bright, sparkling individuals – more conversations, which lift me up, make me feel lighter and buoyed by all that is possible in this world… The chance to be a mirror to all their talents and gifts and value.  This is a real honour – that literally feeds my soul (quite possibly more than it does theirs… but I hope not…)

I choose to go boxing.  Michele Aboro at Aboro Academy is not only an undefeated world champion, a Londoner, and a resident of Shanghai – she also makes me laugh more than anyone else I know could at 7am in the morning!  Her classes make me ache SO much… and yet the sense of pride they bring out in me, when I can still walk the next day… they keep me coming back…

I choose to run and to cross train and to cycle and to move this body of mine every day (ok – most days) for at least a little bit.  And I’ve learnt (thanks to my 100 day challenge) that this is not a chore.  It gives me space. It lets me burn off and work out and process all sorts of thoughts and issues and ‘stuff’ that would otherwise consume my brain.  Sometimes on my own. Sometimes with others.  Both are useful.

And all these choices support the day to day running around that I do in honour of the little people and their schedules.  Football, choir, netball, craft, swimming…

Yes, I am frequently rushing (cycling, mostly) from a to b to c and back to b (again and again and again) AND…. this is the choosing busy that makes me smile and feel grateful.

I know how lucky I am to have been able to create this life that I love out here in Shanghai.  It keeps me in action.  It is rarely static.  And there is always a ‘balance’ to be moving towards…

And sometimes, I get to choose stopping. Sitting. Reading. A cup of tea with a friend. An evening on the sofa (currently chomping my way through This Is Us – which I love!).  Or today… a massage at Dragonfly… a short cycle ride down the road…

It’s not overwhelm.

This is the choosing busy that makes me feel alive.  My choices.  Changing all the time.

Leaning in to Leaning Out – the beginning

This journey started a long time ago – way before I could ever put words to it.

I spent my twenties working hard.  I got the job of my dreams and threw myself into it – heart, soul, hours, days and months. And I loved it. I stepped up and did things I could hardly believe. I worked with great people. Helped amazing events be realised. Worked for more hours than I would have thought physically possible. And I loved it.  And I was leaning so far in that when I fell over – I didn’t think anything of it. I just got back up & started again.

I got to travel and live abroad. I knew how ‘lucky’ I was and I loved it.

I got to choose to go ‘back home’ and carry on working with an amazing team. And I remember saying to my boss, one appraisal time, that what I really wanted was HIS job.

And what I remember now, more than anything else, is that he said: ‘Be Careful What You Wish For.‘

That was it though. I had set my stall out and that was what I was going to achieve.

Except when I started to get close, I started to realise that I wasn’t loving it quite as much any more. And this is where time started to slow.

right.

down.

It took years for me to realise that I didn’t want to go to where I was headed anymore.  That my heart was no longer in it. I was too scared and embarrassed to change course. To stop leaning in to what I had ‘wanted’ for so long – because if I stopped leaning in to that, what would support me? What would hold me up?  Who could I possibly be without the title, the pay cheque, the benefits, the ‘status’?

Leaning In to Leaning Out – the middle

Two years ago, I wrote this post... about how I was feeling. About the questions that were starting to form in my head. The options that were (slowly) becoming visible…

And I realised that I could ‘lean out’ from my previous choices. From what I assumed was ‘expected’ of me by others. From ‘the norm’. From the ‘corporate ladder’.  From London and everything I thought I had wanted…

I could lean out and follow my hearts desire – even if friends and family thought I was mad.

I could lean out and risk the loss of personal benefits for the gain of feeling like I was helping others little by little, to make some small corners of the world a little bit better, brighter, and less rigid.

Leaning in to Leaning Out:  The end?  No.

The Fresh Start!

So, two years on – and this week I got to set the new baby live:

Nicki Leaper Coaching

It’s petrifying.  My name, my words, my hopes and dreams are out there for everyone and anyone to comment on – and I’m well aware that it won’t all be kind.

And you know what? I don’t care.

Because this time round, I was a lot more careful what I wished for – and my leaning out has opened up a whole new world of possibilities – and I can’t wait to see where this adventure takes me.

(PostScript: I need to credit the rather wonderful Jessica McClure for the use of the phrase and sentiment behind Leaning Out.  When she told me about the Lean Out groups she runs, something just clicked – and so if you’re in or around the Seattle, WA region, and this has touched a nerve – get in touch with Jessica.  You won’t regret it.)

Leaning in to family adventures… not falling over(board)

It’s amazing how one shift can change everything.

When we were back in London, we planned holidays to be as stress free and simple as possible… for the kids.  Portugal worked well. Short flight. No time difference. Resort life with buffet breakfast and kids club activities. A couple of hours ‘off’ in the afternoon with a book and a sunlounger.  Perfect.

And don’t get me wrong.  They worked. The little people were happy (relatively). We knew what we were buying into. We could pretty much guarantee sunshine. Our best friends were down the road.

And then came Shanghai.

Suddenly, holidays took a different slant… and we needed to find a way to embrace the changes.

Shanghai is a very long way away from most places, it would appear (other than the rest of China, obviously) –  but sometimes, we really want to get away from China… for a few days…

Plus… we’re in Asia.  We have chosen to change our entire world.  So we need to change our outlook on holidays as well…  It’s time for us to really start leaning in to family adventures.  Because adventure was the main reason we made this life change and it’s a huge value for me to honour (read more about that here).

And so this Lunar New Year we headed off to Hoi An, Vietnam – after a busy start to the calendar year.

And there starts the adventure…

Whatever it takes to get everyone to the final destination in one piece is just fine…

We had connecting flights via Hong Kong (which is a very civilised transfer airport, I must say…)

LeapPads while queuing for immigration? Fine.

Fries for breakfast while waiting for the flight? No problem.

Every single adult device known to man running the plane movie selection – with and without headphones involved – yep, that works for us.

The kids hate the travelling.  “It’s a dull and boring day” as the littlest one took to shouting.  Loudly. & Frequently.  So I’ll bribe any moments of non shouting peace I can get.

We made it to our hotel – and we were all still talking. Result.

(The fact that us grown ups had to climb through our wardrobe to get to the bathroom for the first two nights is irrelevant – another story for another time about cultural differences that do not show up on TripAdvisor!)

The little ones are brave

And I am a wussy-wuss.  Official designation, given to me by the eldest.

The swimming pools were not heated, and lets not forget that Vietnam is still northern hemisphere, so this is winter!

Do the kids care? No.

Do they laugh when I care? Yes.

Every single day I ‘ooohhed’ and ‘ahhhed’ my way into the swimming pools to join them on whatever freeze-inducing adventure they were creating.  They just leapt. Time and time again. Until they were blue and their teeth were chattering.  Then they got out. Asked for a snack. And went and did it all again.

The youngest and middlest went in fully clothed because they just couldn’t wait.

I couldn’t drag the eldest one out at the end of every afternoon.

And the littlest spent most of her time wandering around talking to any and every stranger she could find.  She co-opted more people to help her gather her swim toys every day than I thought possible.  She wanted something – she just asked whoever was nearest to help.

The little ones have absolutely no interest in sight-seeing

They are (mostly) happy to ‘see’ whatever happens to be passing them by on route to the swimming pool. Or to more food. Or to the people selling the LED ‘flingy things’ that they want. But if we try to take them ‘sight-seeing’ – no way.

They just take it all in their stride.  Everywhere they look is new and different and they just swallow it all up.  They don’t need to feel like they are ‘doing’ Hoi An.

The little ones amazed me by expressing gratitude

Ok, it was short lived. And did follow a supply of treats one afternoon.  But as I was waxing lyrical about the joys and privilege of travel (& how different it felt all these years on from my big Asia adventure with my father in tow) the middlest one said to us that he was grateful that we were spending the money we worked for on taking the gang to different places… and the other two begrudgingly agreed that it was indeed, quite a nice thing for us to do. All together. As a family adventure.

That made me quite proud of our gang.

And that’s a feeling well worth leaning in to whenever possible.

Thanksgiving

Just the best holiday ever, as far as I’m concerned.  I adopted it wholeheartedly when we lived in NYC and with an American daughter, it’s now a firm favourite in this English / American / Chinese household.

Why do I love Thanksgiving so much?

Because it’s not about presents.

Because it is about people. And gratitude.

For me, it’s about putting words of thanks together into sentences and saying them out loud to the people who really matter in my world.

To my eldest, the American: to say thanks for the spirit with which she shows up to everything in her life.  She is like a tornado – moving at speed, causing untold chaos around her, very focused on the current ‘thing’ and then very fast to switch attention to the next ‘thing’.  She is strong willed, independent and fiery – and she challenges me every single day to be a better person.  So I can set the best possible example to her of a life well lived.

To my middle one, the Brit: to say thanks for the emotion that he brings to all that he does.  He is full of hugs and laughter and tears and rage and he lets it all run through him openly and then, exhausted, lets it pass and moves on swiftly.  He is the performer and the kind hearted caregiver.  This is the boy who is not afraid to love.  He reminds me to apply ‘equality’ in his direction as well as his sisters.

To my littlest, my ever-more Chinese bundle of joy: to say thanks for the joy and the cheek with which she embraces her world.  She takes her chances, she embraces risk.  There’s nothing her older siblings can do that she wouldn’t try (if I would let her!)  She uses her charm to her own advantage… and melts the heart of whoever is trying to tell her to do differently.  She reminds me to have fun – every day, in the smallest of ways.

And to my hubby.  My globe-trotting partner in crime.  Thanks for the continued adventure of a lifetime.  It may not always be easy, but it is never dull.

Fall vs. Autumn

Autumn is finally here in Shanghai.  I am loving it.  The skies are blue. The air is (currently) fresh and the temperature is wonderful.  Back in Britain, these days wold have felt like the heady days of Summer. Here though, it is wonderfully Autumn.  But it makes me struggle with the Fall vs. Autumn thing.

The leaves here are very reluctant to fall.  They change colour (a bit… my soul belongs in New England in the Fall) but they hang on to the trees, they linger.  They do not ‘fall’.  It seems they wait until Spring when new leaves literally have to push them off the branches.  So I am missing the piles of dry leaves to kick around it, and I therefore am struggling with the concept that this is Fall.  It’s not.

So I get to remain British and claim the word Autumn instead.

The air in the morning, as I cycle the eldest down to the school gate, is fresh and crisp.  It wakes me up and makes me smile.  Plus it means that I need a ‘pointless top‘ to just keep the chill off – so, I am in heaven.  I was built for Autumn.

And still the golden sunlight in the mid to late morning is warm – and so I can happily sit on the football field and wait for however long, as whichever of the kids finishes off playing.  These days are rare.  I’ll be less keen on the early Sunday football starts when I need to bundle everyone up and keep jogging on the spot to keep warm while watching…

Fall away

Now is also one of my favourite times to start afresh.  The ‘other‘ Spring clean time.

We have had a habit of moving house (country, continent) around this time. So with that, and the new school year, it is always a time of clearing. Decluttering. Letting things ‘fall away‘ to create some space for growth, for change.

The storage cupboard was finally tackled at the weekend. As was ‘the study‘. It was a room that we really didn’t use.  It had sofas and bookshelves and tables and… and… boxes of paperwork that had never been sorted through.

It’s still (very much) a work in progress. But it is less cluttered.  We can see the wood for the trees.  I can sit on the (one) sofa now and look out of the window, towards the trees and the sky and I can see how I can create a room of my own here.

My space. For my work. (It’s a L’Oréal moment – because I’m worth it…)

It’s just one of those things that a woman should have…(OK, a dubious link to this, but – a good friend shared this with me yesterday and it was too good to not pass on…This is the woman I hope I can grow into)

Fall. Let it Unfold

Another wise friend shared this post with a gang of us – about letting life unfold – and it seemed to sit well with the slowing down of Fall. Of Autumn.

What would happen if I stopped trying to rush. Stopped trying to ‘achieve‘ and instead just ‘experienced‘ all that life was sending my way?

What if I could stop trying to fast-forward through the awkward bits – to get to the so-called good bits – and instead trust that it was all moving along just as was intended?

What if, like the Shanghai trees, I could just let it unfold – knowing full well that everything would happen just in time for the next thing?Even if it didn’t fit into my pre-ordained schedule.

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?