It was always going to happen. The question was only ever when, and how hard. But it’s happened. Falling over that is.
And the good thing is, it happened and I’ve made it out the other side. And I’m still leaning in. Just slightly less extremely.
There was Dubai, and the long hours. Followed by the day of meetings. And th Friday where Hubby did need to work, so I worked too. And I cleared a load of things. But I felt like a mug. And I started to question whether my 90% contract was ever going to work, as I still had so much more to do.
I have consistently worked more than my contracted hours. Consistently worked more hours than full time hours. But now, I am only getting paid for 90%.
So I started to seeth a little, and then I started to get ill. And that combo doesn’t work so well. So by Monday I was telling my bosses that it would just be easier all round if I worked full time again.
And then I went home sick, begged the children to be good for me while I bathed them and put them to bed. And went to bed at 730. I ached, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. It had all, officially, become too much.
A day off work, but still working from bed. A return to the office, and a return of various team members who can help. A moaning about life dinner out with my best mate. More social stuff in a week than I normally manage in a month. A long discussion with hubby as to what it was I really wanted in my life. And a slowing down.
It was the slowing down that mattered most. It was the slowing down that helped the most. I built Lego fire stations with my boy. I played peekaboo with the littlest pickle. I talked about Killer whales with the biggest pickle.
And I sat there on Sunday night, and I emailed my bosses and asked for help. Explained that actually, I did still want my 90% deal, as I did want the time. For me. For my family.
But that the current situation with workload was not working for me. And that I would appreciate their help in working through it.
In all honesty, nothing has changed. There have been no conversations. I have been busy at work, away again on a recce, and facing a crazy day of meetings again tomorrow when I’m back in the office.
But, I have decided. For now, I have decided that I am not falling over again. I am going to carry on leaning in, but look for some support to help keep me upright. Being a martyr helps no one.
I will try to learn to say ‘no’. I will remember to stop and breathe. And eat chicken pot pie with my husband. Because, I cannot do everything. And even if I could, no one would thank me for it.